When I first started graduate school, I was sometimes scared to talk to my advisor. It wasn't anything in particular about him, it was the role he was in. In pretty much every job I've ever had I've always felt a little weird around my "boss". It's just not someone I tend to feel chummy around. Maybe it's just how I was raised, I don't know.
But toward the middle / end of my PhD, our relationship shifted to being more peer -like instead of student/teacher -like, and I felt much more comfortable with him.
It's been very interesting shifting to the other side of the desk. I met with a graduate student recently, and during our meeting I noticed their hands were shaking. I tried everything I could to put them at ease, but no matter what I tried they still seemed terrified.
Now, it's true I'm mean and uber-scary looking (like Miss Viola Swamp), but I wonder if there's anything I can do to make students feel less scared when they come visit. Maybe I need a gigantic stuffed animal in my office. ("Hug me if you're scared!").
Heck, some days I need one of those...
It's been very interesting shifting to the other side of the desk. I met with a graduate student recently, and during our meeting I noticed their hands were shaking. I tried everything I could to put them at ease, but no matter what I tried they still seemed terrified.
ReplyDeleteWell I am the student side of the desk and I even after 3 years of meetings I still fidget like a 5 yo when I meet with my adviser (maybe because it only happens sporadically?). I also have this habit of tearing apart my cuticles when I am nervous so I generally come out with bloody fingernails after our meetings. I realize that everyone goes trough the "scared of my adviser" phase but I can't help wonder if the fact that she will never ever say "good job" makes a difference.
ReplyDeleteI had a mentor in my master's program who said flatly that he sees grad students more as peers than as students and I still couldn't totally feel at ease around him - even after he was my faculty advisor for my independent project and wrote rec letters for me.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I'm a study coordinator for an MD who has been in research for almost 30 years (with lots of other reasons to be intimidated by him) and I call him by his first name with no problem. I'm not sure how to control the "vibe" you give off to subordinates but I hope if I'm ever a prof I'll be as laid back as my current boss. And I'm aware that most of it is my own anxiety. Some people are just timid and there's nothing you can do about it.
Awww, kinda sad. Though understandable. The meetings with advisors are stressful. I don't know what you can do about it. It's more the situation than you personally.
ReplyDeleteI am a little mean too.
I am wondering if you are now scared of your chair or dean? I am a new TT prof and I'm finding that I am nervous around my dept chair. It is odd and I can't shake it.
ReplyDeleteOne of my first graduate students was routinely brought to tears in our interactions. I'd ask her to come meet with me to discuss her project, she'd cry. I'd tell her we needed to re-do an experiment for some reason, she'd cry. I was not a crusty, seasoned professor - we were about the same age and I was just starting out. I was not too mean - I try to remember to say "thank you" and "good job" as often as I can and none of my other students cried routinely. This particular student was just a bit emotional and always feared the worst if I asked to talk with her. I came to accept that the frequent tears were not my fault. If ALL of your students tremble when you speak and avoid meeting with you, perhaps you have something to worry about. Otherwise, hopefully this student will warm up as time passes.
ReplyDeleteI'm extremely frustrated that as a postdoc, I'm very nervous around my mentor. Nervousness makes me stupid. I'm also still nervous around my former PhD adviser and another committee member, probably because I'm still struggling to get one project from my PhD era to bear fruit. They are all kind people, but I've had multiple stupid moments around each, and I can't forget that I need them to think fantastically of me in order to get a TT job. (Specifically, I know they'll be asked to compare me to my fabulous peers.) I'm not otherwise socially anxious, but I turn into an insecure wreck around these people. I don't know what could fix it aside from mountains of explicit praise from each (which I'm not going to get) or maybe from other people... also unlikely.
ReplyDeleteYou have all given me some food for thought, I really should pen a longer post about this.
ReplyDeleteAnon@9:48: I'm not scared of my chair or dean, but I don't feel super chummy around them. They're both great, and very kind, but I am unlikely to waltz into their office and shoot the breeze.
As a graduate student in CS, I find that most professors aren't too intimidating or worrisome to talk to. However, when it comes to people who are in a "position of power", I get nervous and probably look like a fool trying to agree to everything they say. I was raised in the US, but my family comes from a country where the teacher is highly respected and must always be treated with a certain degree of respect no matter how long ago they were your teacher. This definitely means that calling a professor, no matter what they might ask of you, by their first name is a definite taboo. When my undergrad research advisor asked me to do so, it took me a long time to get comfortable enough to do so and till this day, I have never been able to call him by his first name to his face. I think professors really need to stop and realize that for the student, they are this unknown quantity that can singlehandedly ruin that student's life.
ReplyDeleteA more practical suggestion would be to encourage group interactions among your graduate students. Maybe if they see other students comfortable with you, they will ape this behavior.
I had a dream the night before I got my first paper back in grad school. In the dream, the prof was standing up on his bed, and we grad students were standing on the floor in a half-circle in front of the bed. He was in a long night-shirt and wearing a night-cap, and he was waving the papers at us, yelling "these are mucked up, these are soooo mucked up!" I assume everyone has this dream. Another professor at that school kept cookies in his desk. Whenever one of us came by to talk, he'd pull out the cookies and share them.
ReplyDeletewell its right everybody scare with their parents and teachers.
ReplyDelete